Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
