I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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