When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
