Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
