I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
