I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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