So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
