false alarm. still invincible.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
