What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
