the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
All the doctor said was why
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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