IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
