Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
