Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize