my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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