Will you blow on my dice?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
