I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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