I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
