Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
