I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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