dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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