if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
