Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
