so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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