I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize