I wish I only lived at night.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
