Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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