Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
