walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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