ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
