good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
