Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
