We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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