I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Dick very happy bro
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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