then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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