I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I bet he comes in French.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
