I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
