be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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