I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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