I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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