then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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