I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
