the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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