the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
