Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i would punch a child for taco bell
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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