theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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