Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
