Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
my liver is dry heaving
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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