you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
BRING THE BAGELS
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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