I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
