he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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