I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
