Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
