When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
