Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
