hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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