I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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