Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
