I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
