Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
